Forgotten Siren

A love letter to my soul's song

When I scan the memory field of this life

I see you black, largely unformed.

Not an oily sludge slick but like if the wind

Was covered in black swirling ink and came to

Life in front of me.

A black ghost.

You are scratching, screaming

Tormented

Cast off

Like a nightmare or horror film

I thought you were an evil entity

Or a lost soul needing saved

So I hid and didn’t look

Or listen

Let alone claim you.

A wise man once said into the collective soup,

Deep down its embarrassment that drives people crazy

And maybe that rejection just broke you

Years passed

And you faded

And all I knew

Was that I was afraid of the dark.

Closing my eyes tight when I got in bed

Pulling the covers over my head

Not letting one eyelid budge

Once an adult it sounded more like

Not tonight. I am too tired

Not knowing who or what I was speaking to

But giving a boundary

That nothing pay me a visit

Especially black swirls of unknown energy

Far from having my permission

You faced unjust extradition.

I became addicted to what is known.

So nothing new could emerge

Then one spring I found myself

Invited to give a transmission

No Act ready but the invitation to

Come and perform like a magician

To bring the muse

Nervously, Naively and not ready,

I accepted the mission

Prancing like a cat around an alter

On stage, I began boldly staking my claim

Not knowing if the muse would show

I wondered if this would all be in vain

With hungry eyes awaiting a masterpiece

Muse are you there?

I exhaled and opened my mouth

And what came out

Was you

Raw screams and rasping screeches

I shook my head and hair

I let it be raw and rare

In careful deliberate steps I circled pausing to stare

A screaming roar to close

The women nodded and cheered me to my seat

The men neutral perhaps to hide their confusion

Expecting a polished plate, served more trick than velvet treat

Heart pounding full of heat

I was practicing surrendering to find you

Unhooking from the mind

To see what I would find

That was my assignment so for that I was proud

And yet unknowingly there you were in the form

I had created

With my ignorant abandon

The repeated whisper

“Unhook, surrender”

Did I need to die to let you back in?

For you to rejoin me on our throne

Later I took the mic and spoke my full name

You sat and held my hand

Mind somewhat blind to

Your presence

Though you were coming back online

Fast forward in time

Fall in the Ojai mountains

I heard

“I am ready to die”

I began to cry

Not knowing why those words escaped

But when they did

There you were that black feminine ghost

Not a ghost to host

Not a thing to send to the light

but

My ghost

that wanted back in

And I let you.

Sipping in your essence I let you fill my heart

My throat.

Sensing an electric amp had turned on in my vocal cords

I breathed in the new, didn’t speak, just took note

Somehow my willingness to die

Unlocked a merging

Let it not make sense

And then it did not

As it never does

Though we will try to make it

And that siren I AM

Still getting to know.

Last night you

Played your instrument

With my throat

And I let you.

Rippling ancient codes of the primordial sea.

I allowed the merging of human self and spirit to Be

And its really really good to have you back.

So I guess I write this today to say,

Thank you. I love you.

Welcome home

Please stay.

Siren, My Voice.

--That One who found her Voice

....…

We find ourselves now in uncharted waters, unprecedented times. To step IN fully to our self-sustaining, sovereign temples that are approaching completion right now, many of us are feeling the reclamation into wholeness. No longer do we seek the twin flame for completion, to become the yin and yang. We ARE the balanced temple of ALL, holding it all within our own beings. Especially so welcoming in the lost, cast off feminine energies of power through love (without making the masculine parts bad and wrong). Integrating into balance within. Spirit or whatever you know that energy of the uniting thread, the eternal ONE by, we are also becoming more embodied and integrated in our being with that. It is weaved in to us, more front facing and conscious. The great paradox here is that we also have never been more distracted and inundated by noise to prevent us from hearing, seeing, and feeling that thread. Here lives my love letter to my voice, my dark feminine power within, as I reclaim the temple. I wrote this as a diary entry type trip report after singing an original hymn for an audience as a performance back in February. My first time really singing fully from my reclaimed voice and in collaboration with my soul and that divine thread. I stuffed my light (voice) down so much, unknowingly it became my shadow. Once illuminated and reintegrated I see now its but a precious gem, my diamond rock. This was a letter of truth, love, and apology to self and thus is unedited and will remain so.